Matters of the Heart
by mon-petit-pois
Summary: Ever since she opened that damn email, the feelings and emotions had been building up inside her. The second she closed her door, the second she was alone, she broke down. And it was his fault.


A/N: This story was originally written as a songfic to "Because of You" by Kelly Clarkson, but i removed the lyrics because it has been brought to my attention that including lyrics in fics is not allowed on this site. Please consider listening to the song as you read:) If you would like to read the unedited version, please PM me and we can work something out!

Dedication: For all victims of child abuse and neglect everywhere. God bless them and watch over them in their times of need.

She sat in the dark, with a bottle of beer. Whenever she tried to turn on the lights, she could see her reflection in everything, the glass table, darkened windows... she couldn't stand to watch herself break.

Her team had worried about her. They could tell something had been bothering her all day, they just knew her too well. When had she let herself become so transparent.

Ever since she opened that damn email, the feelings and emotions had been building up inside her. The second she closed her door, the second she was alone, she broke down.

And it was his fault.

What sense did her father see in sending her an email? What sense was there in telling her that it was her fault she had been captured in Somalia, that America had made her weak, that she was betraying Israel by becoming an American citizen? She wished he would just _understand her._

Of course, she should be flattered that he was even showing any signs of caring.

_She knew she wouldn't do what he did to his children. Should she have kids, she would care for them, pay attention to them, love them, and nurture them._

She most definitely wouldn't raise them to be killers, personal pawns that just happened to be flesh and blood.

He had been so caught up in his game, he had let himself get carried away. So much, that he had sent her to die in the desert without giving it a second thought.

To everyone, she was known as the tough one. But she took risks, she took her chances, she took all of the physical jeopardies she could, so she wouldn't have to take the emotional ones. It was her way of compensating.

Everyone knows she had trust issues. She had been hurt by so many people in her life, people she had trusted.

People like her father.

He had always been the one to tell her not to trust anyone. Not to love, not to have emotions. He had pounded it into her head until she was physically incapable of having feelings. She had begun to trust her father, though.

And he had broken her trust just to make a point.

She had built a reputation for herself of being fearless. She was undefeatable. And yet, she was still afraid of him, the affect he had on her. He made her strive so hard for his acceptance, his love, his attention. She had gone to the desert to die just to gain his trust in her, to make him proud. She should have known better, though. He doesn't trust anybody, not even his own child. And he certainly would never be proud of her, after everything, no matter what she did. The only time he was ever "proud" of her was when she did something that benefitted him. The way he could control her frightened her.

He had told her to come home. He told her to come back to Israel, make that trip her aliyah. He thought that she was becoming soft in America. He was testing her, testing her loyalty to him. Needless to say, she passed the test, but at a huge cost to her happiness. She didn't know it at the time, but the only place she had been truly happy at was with her team in D.C. It took three months of torture in the desert before she finally realized that.

To Eli, weakness was a lot of things. Weakness was feelings, emotions, love, and trust. Weakness was forbidden. He had drilled that into her head since she learned to talk.

He had made her empty inside. He had trained her to be a ruthless, soulless killer. There was nothing in her heart until she joined NCIS, and met her _true_ family. Her heart had a huge void where the love for a father, for family, for _life _was supposed to be. He broke her inside. She had a gaping hole in her heart, because he couldn't seem to find the time for her. When she came to NCIS, however, she gained all those things. She found a father in Gibbs, a family in the rest of her team, and a love for life in just about everything else in D.C. In her berry mango madness smoothies, in her banters with Tony, in Ducky's anecdotes.

_He had made her scared of anything emotional. He had practically built the walls that kept her true feelings buried inside. It was his fault she couldn't open up to anyone, to let anyone in._

_Because of you_

_I find it hard to trust_

_Not only me, but everyone around me_

She couldn't truly trust anyone with her heart, with her feelings, because she had been told that all trust was an illusion. Letting people in was a recipe for disaster. Having someone that close made you and easy target. Opening up to someone meant giving them all the keys to your heart, and what if they turned against you? No, it was better to not open up, to never trust, and on top of all never have feelings for anything. Or at least that's what he taught her.

Ziva David wasn't fearless. She was afraid of commitment, she was afraid of being hurt. Not physically, she could handle that.

She was afraid of being hurt on the inside. It had happened so much, she knew that she could break any time. The heartbreak was the worst of all.

He had never been there for her, not even when her mother had passed away. Ziva's mother was the only person in the world who made Eli truly happy. When she was gone, he turned into a robot. He threw himself into his work, and began his children's training. She heard his misery at night, when he thought no one was listening. He broke one of his golden rules. He cried. Eli was only human, after all.

Eli was a mess for a week. He was broken inside. He couldn't hold himself up any longer. And so he used her for that.

He had forgotten that Ziva, so young and innocent, was going through the pain of losing a mother. He only thought of himself, his agony. He began their training in an effort to isolate himself from the outside world, to throw himself into his work at Mossad. And it worked. She and Ari became his players in a game that they never had a choice of leaving. And when she tried to leave, he sent her to the desert to die.

She was still haunted by the memories of that place. Her father didn't care. He didn't even send anyone to help her. The ones who came for her were the ones who thought she had abandoned them. Her father didn't care, not at all. It was his fault she had been tortured for three months.

She had been hurt by him, in so many ways. It made her reserved and cautious when it came to matters of the heart.

She tries to put the past behind her. The past... is the past. She tries to forget everything he ever told her, everything he ever taught her. She tries to forget him altogether. Him and his stupid rules.

But old habits die hard. She is stuck in an awkward place. She was surrounded by people who are worried about her mental wellbeing, but she can't open up to them. She knows they care about her, love her even, but she can't let them in.

Because of Eli.

She holds nothing in her heart. She is trying, oh is she trying, to love them, but tearing apart those walls that Eli so carefully built was going to take time. And now she has nothing. They love her... but she can't love them back.

Not yet anyway.

She is not fearless, like everyone thinks she is. She is not a robot. It is matters of the heart she is afraid of.

Because of her father.

A/N: please review, tell me what you thought!


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